It's been a while since I left off so let's see....well, I've been trying to get back into an exercise routine, so I started C25K about a month ago. It is an awesome app for those who want to go from sitting on the couch to running a 5K (hence the name C25K) So far, so good! I've also lost about 10 pounds but still have a bit more to go until I (a) reach my target goal or (b) get pregnant again. I've come to the point where I stopped worrying about the "whens" or "ifs" about getting pregnant again. I had a brief moment of doubt about a month ago when I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) which some symptoms are weight gain and the inability or difficulty conceiving. My very first thoughts were of doubt, sadness, and "why me?" But, thank God that quickly passed.
Okay, Lord. I know you blessed me to become pregnant once and I know you can do it again, except full term the next time, please. Not to mention, there is a blessing in all of life's challenges. Who knows, I may have to go on fertility drugs and we all know that my risk (blessing) of multiples would increase. So, at this point,
Lord, where ever you want me to go...I will row my boat and go. The reason that I say row my boat symbolizes two things. (1) since I'm scared of larger bodies of water, my faith is being tested. I must trust God and rely on His help. I can't take my eyes off of Him or I may begin to sink, just as Peter did. I can't allow life's distractions to take me off course because I may just miss out on my blessings. (2) It's not as easy to row a boat than it is to drive a car. Not everything in life is easy. So when we get jealous and want what someone else has, we must remember that we don't know what kind of "hell" that person has gone through to get where they are.
Laila gives me hope that someday I will be the mother of living children. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of her. Although she is not physically here, she is in my heart and gives me a reason to live each and every day. I am in a group of elite women. Not many women can say that they are the mother of an angel. Sure we didn't ask to join the group. We have also endured heart ache and pain to become members, but we were blessed to carry divine creations. For some reason, God chose us specifically to do so. Just as He chose Mary to carry Jesus, He chose me to carry the angel Laila. I guess in retrospect, I'm honored to have done so. I know we all handle our losses differently, but I smile every time I think of my little munchkin. Each morning when I'm heading out and walk past her (would be) nursery I tell her good morning and that mommy loves her. I also do the same each night as I walk past her nursery to go into my bedroom. I even have a little silly name for her. She is my "Laila Baila Waila"...lol. I'm sure she will be happy when she finds out that she will have a little brother or sister or both, unless she tells me about it first. Either way, she will always be my Laila Baila Waila and my love for her will be the same yesterday, today and forever. Until next time...
