Continuing Journey

It's been a while since I left off so let's see....well, I've been trying to get back into an exercise routine, so I started C25K about a month ago. It is an awesome app for those who want to go from sitting on the couch to running a 5K (hence the name C25K)  So far, so good! I've also lost about 10 pounds but still have a bit more to go until I (a) reach my target goal or (b) get pregnant again.  I've come to the point where I stopped worrying about the "whens" or "ifs" about getting pregnant again.  I had a brief moment of doubt about a month ago when I went to the doctor.  I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) which some symptoms are weight gain and the inability or difficulty conceiving.  My very first thoughts were of doubt, sadness, and "why me?" But, thank God that quickly passed. Okay, Lord. I know you blessed me to become pregnant once and I know you can do it again, except full term the next time, please.  Not to mention, there is a blessing in all of life's challenges. Who knows, I may have to go on fertility drugs and we all know that my risk (blessing) of multiples would increase. So, at this point, Lord, where ever you want me to go...I will row my boat and go. The reason that I say row my boat symbolizes two things. (1) since I'm scared of larger bodies of water, my faith is being tested.  I must trust God and rely on His help. I can't take my eyes off of Him or I may begin to sink, just as Peter did. I can't allow life's distractions to take me off course because I may just miss out on my blessings. (2) It's not as easy to row a boat than it is to drive a car. Not everything in life is easy. So when we get jealous and want what someone else has, we must remember that we don't know what kind of "hell" that person has gone through to get where they are.

 Laila gives me hope that someday I will be the mother of living children.  There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of her.  Although she is not physically here, she is in my heart and gives me a reason to live each and every day.  I am in a group of elite women.  Not many women can say that they are the mother of an angel.  Sure we didn't ask to join the group. We have also endured heart ache and pain to become members, but we were blessed to carry divine creations.  For some reason, God chose us specifically to do so.  Just as He chose Mary to carry Jesus, He chose me to carry the angel Laila. I guess in retrospect, I'm honored to have done so. I know we all handle our losses differently, but I smile every time I think of my little munchkin.  Each morning when I'm heading out and walk past her (would be) nursery I tell her good morning and that mommy loves her. I also do the same each night as I walk past her nursery to go into my bedroom. I even have a little silly name for her. She is my "Laila Baila Waila"...lol. I'm sure she will be happy when she finds out that she will have a little brother or sister or both, unless she tells me about it first. Either way, she will always be my Laila Baila Waila and my love for her will be the same yesterday, today and forever. Until next time...

Moving Forward

Since laying my sweet baby girl to rest, I've accepted that she is in heaven and I find joy in knowing that I will be reunited with her whenever God is ready for me. For the time being, I have a lot of living to do.  Some people wonder where my strength comes from...my answer is God.  I don't understand it sometimes.  Had this happened a few years back, I would probably be in a mental facility with padded walls.  I was once told that God ALWAYS anoints us for everything that we go through.  The stronger our faith in Him, the stronger we are as we go through those tough stormy situations.  Of course they won't be easy, but if we keep our eyes on Him we will be just fine.  We shouldn't let the distractions of life deter us from reaching our destination. The story of Peter walking on water comes to mind.  As long as Peter kept his eyes on Jesus, all was well, but as soon as he allowed himself to become distracted by the wind and the rough sea, he began to sink, but Jesus caught him. Jesus is with us all the time, but as soon as we began to lose focus and worry about things beyond our control, that's when our storm gets a little bit rougher and possibly longer. I just remind myself that Jesus is right there with me, every step of the way. If he blessed me to conceive before, He will do it again and again. He did not leave me empty handed.  He left me with magnificent hope, a stronger faith and a deeper desire to live my life according to His purpose.  He has also strengthened my marriage and given my husband and myself a different perspective about life.  Live every day to the fullest, treat everyone with love and respect, and be more willing to help others. We never know what the next person is going through.  A simple smile may be the medication needed by someone having a rough day...until next time

Labor, Laila and Loss Pt. 3

On the way home from my "breath of fresh air", I continued to thank God that everything was okay with myself and my baby girl.  There goes that calm feeling again. I was still feeling crampy, but again, thought nothing of it because I was "reassured" that everything was okay from the expert.  I went back to my normal routine of laying on the couch until it was bedtime.

At about 1230 the morning of June 1, 2012, I awoke my husband because I was having excruciating back "muscle spasms".  That fifteen minute drive to the hospital felt like a lifetime.  My poor husband wanted nothing more to do than to take away my pain.  He dropped me off to the Emergency Room Entrance and hurried up to park.  While he was parking, the long walk through the corridors and a ride in the elevator to the Labor and Delivery floor were just as long and painful as the drive in.  By the time I made it to Labor and Delivery triage, my husband had made it up there.  I was put into a room and assessed by the doctor on duty.  She told me that I was already dilated 4cm even with the cerclage still in place and my bag of water had already ruptured.  They determined that I had no choice but to deliver because of the risk of infection. Still that calm feeling. I remember calling Jesus through every contraction. I also remember the pain on my husband's face because he could not stand to see me in so much pain, not to mention the outcome of our firstborn. 

The Neonatologists came in to tell us what to expect and what not to expect.  They told us that our precious baby would be too young in gestation to survive with a positive prognosis.  We made the decision not to resuscitate or intervene because we would not want her to suffer in this world and not have a good quality of life, just because we wanted to be so selfish and keep her.  We left it in God's hands, although we were hoping for a miracle. If only she would breath on her own and not need any resuscitation. At 1030 that morning, Ms. Laila Rose made her grand entrance.  I can remember hearing one faint little cry as she attempted to take a breath.  That's when the tears started flowing.  Still that calm feeling.  Her little lungs were just not strong enough.  I thanked God for allowing me to get pregnant and carry her for His Divine Will. We enjoyed her little hour of life and thought that she was the most beautiful person in the world.  The hospital staff was wonderful and I surprisingly (to them at least) remained strong throughout the birth and death of Ms. Laila Rose.  

The hardest part was walking back down the long corridors of the hospital without our child.  Still that calm feeling.  Tears began flowing down my cheeks, but I knew that God had it planned all alone.  Although I would have loved to take her home with us, I did not question or second guess God's plan.  That first night at home was the roughest.  I no longer felt the kicks that I had grown to enjoy or the roundness of my belly that I thought was the most amazing thing ever. Through all of the emptiness, the empty nursery, my empty womb and my empty heart, I kept my mind on Jesus.  He was genuinely my strength.  Psalm 91. I could remember years ago saying that I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost a child, but now I can answer, keep my mind on Jesus. Even when I felt my lowest, He was holding me and kept me from losing my mind. He kept me strong and I kept the faith.  The enemy would try to attack me, but I kept fighting him with my faith in God.  I know that He will bless us double for what we've lost. Just like He did for Job.  With everything that Job went through, he did not turn away from God. Naked I came out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return; Lord has given, and Lord has taken away; blessed be the Lord.

Our little Laila Rose is now resting peacefully with her Father in Heaven.  She is wanting for nothing and is probably playing soccer, as she was practicing while she was in my belly.  She comes to visit her mama regularly and brings so much joy to my heart.  I tell her whenever Mommy and Daddy have more children, she could come down and play with them as much as her heart desires, but they are not allowed to go back with her...unless her Father says so. Thy Will Be Done...only the beginning.

Labor, Laila and Loss Pt. 2

My husband was with me every step of the way during the chain of events leading to Laila's birth and death.  He cooked, cleaned and made sure that we were taken care of and still fulfilled the everyday demands or his job and school.  I felt like a bum because I could only sit on the couch while watching him do everything.  I wanted so badly to at least wash a dish or put away the silverware, but he would always tell me to "sit down and relax yourself". 

I distinctly remember hearing God say Trust Me. At first I just sat there without any type of response or emotion. I thought I was just hearing or thinking things. Then I heard it again, Trust Me. I instantly responded and said, okay Lord, I hear You.  I trust You.  At that moment, I knew that something was going to occur.  I just didn't know what.  I knew that I would not be in an ideal situation and I would be uncomfortable, but still in all, I trusted Him. Psalm 91came back to me...He was preparing me for something..But what?

On the morning of May 31, 2012, I was like a little kid going to Disney World.  I never thought that I would be so happy to see the normal over cast of clouds in the state of Washington. The fifteen minute drive to the hospital was wonderful.  I was literally able to have a breath of fresh air. We arrived to the hospital at my appointed time, which was the first thing in the morning.  I remember sitting in the waiting room while my husband was eating his breakfast.  The ultrasound tech came in with a warm smile on her face and announced my name.  As I entered into that dark room with the ultrasound monitor, waiting to see how my baby girl was handling everything, a calm came over me and remained there throughout the duration of my pregnancy.  As the tech squirted that warm jelly and put the ultrasound transducer onto my belly, I was overjoyed to see my little princess once again on the screen.  She told me that the cerclage was doing it's job and that Ms. Laila was doing wonderful.  That was music to my ears.  She then printed off a picture of the ultrasound and gave it to me.  Little did I know, that would be the last.

After my ultrasound, the doctor came in "reassure" me that everything was okay.  I then voiced a few concerns about whether or not my amniotic sac was leaking or was I having normal discharge from the sutures.  Without physically examining me, she told me that it was probably from the sutures and as long as they were in, I would have it.  I then also asked her about a slight "crampy" feeling in my abdomen.  She told me that it was normal and if anything gets worse to go directly to the Labor and Delivery.  After that appointment, I was elated and "sure" that everything was going well.  I even made a few phone calls to some relatives to let them know that Ms. Laila Rose and I were doing wonderful.  My main concern was for my baby girl.  I didn't care how much pain I had to endure, just as long as she would be okay. In retrospect, I did indeed endure pain (of losing a child) and I know that she is okay now (with the Lord)....to be continued.

Labor, Laila and Loss Pt. 1

I can remember as though it were yesterday.  I already knew that she would be a girl, and had already chosen her name--Laila Rose.  I had already imagined the cute little clothes that she would wear and how her nursery would look.  Every night I would pray to God and read Psalm 91.  I would tell God that this was His child and I would thank Him for even allowing me to become pregnant and to carry her.  I enjoyed every kick or move that she would make.  I especially liked to get her "riled" up by drinking orange juice because she would really let me have it..lol. 

On May 21, 2012 my husband and I were going to our routine ultrasound (at 21 weeks) to confirm what I already knew--we were going to have a little girl. She was so beautiful and perfect.  Words can not explain the joy that I felt while looking at my baby girl on that monitor.  It was a surreal feeling.  I had heard all of the "horror" stories of being pregnant, but I actually enjoyed every moment of it--even the morning sickness.  When she finished, or so I thought, with the ultrasound, she asked me to sit for a minute while she went and got the doctor.  At that time, I still did not think anything was that bad.  Once the doctor came in, she looked at my cervix on the ultrasound monitor and immediately sent me to Labor and Delivery for an emergency cerclage (stitches to keep my cervix closed).  I had already started to dilate and my cervix had already started funneling (shortening) as though my body was wanting to go into labor.  At that time, I was still okay and kept my faith and trust in God.  I was at peace.

I received the cerclage early the next morning and was monitored all day to make sure I did not have contractions.  Everything went fine and they sent me home with my meds and orders for bed rest.  I was also to see them weekly until it was time to take the cerclage out (at around 34-36 weeks). Well, needless to say, I only made it to my first appointment.  To be continued...