At about 1230 the morning of June 1, 2012, I awoke my husband because I was having excruciating back "muscle spasms". That fifteen minute drive to the hospital felt like a lifetime. My poor husband wanted nothing more to do than to take away my pain. He dropped me off to the Emergency Room Entrance and hurried up to park. While he was parking, the long walk through the corridors and a ride in the elevator to the Labor and Delivery floor were just as long and painful as the drive in. By the time I made it to Labor and Delivery triage, my husband had made it up there. I was put into a room and assessed by the doctor on duty. She told me that I was already dilated 4cm even with the cerclage still in place and my bag of water had already ruptured. They determined that I had no choice but to deliver because of the risk of infection. Still that calm feeling. I remember calling Jesus through every contraction. I also remember the pain on my husband's face because he could not stand to see me in so much pain, not to mention the outcome of our firstborn.
The Neonatologists came in to tell us what to expect and what not to expect. They told us that our precious baby would be too young in gestation to survive with a positive prognosis. We made the decision not to resuscitate or intervene because we would not want her to suffer in this world and not have a good quality of life, just because we wanted to be so selfish and keep her. We left it in God's hands, although we were hoping for a miracle. If only she would breath on her own and not need any resuscitation. At 1030 that morning, Ms. Laila Rose made her grand entrance. I can remember hearing one faint little cry as she attempted to take a breath. That's when the tears started flowing. Still that calm feeling. Her little lungs were just not strong enough. I thanked God for allowing me to get pregnant and carry her for His Divine Will. We enjoyed her little hour of life and thought that she was the most beautiful person in the world. The hospital staff was wonderful and I surprisingly (to them at least) remained strong throughout the birth and death of Ms. Laila Rose.
The hardest part was walking back down the long corridors of the hospital without our child. Still that calm feeling. Tears began flowing down my cheeks, but I knew that God had it planned all alone. Although I would have loved to take her home with us, I did not question or second guess God's plan. That first night at home was the roughest. I no longer felt the kicks that I had grown to enjoy or the roundness of my belly that I thought was the most amazing thing ever. Through all of the emptiness, the empty nursery, my empty womb and my empty heart, I kept my mind on Jesus. He was genuinely my strength. Psalm 91. I could remember years ago saying that I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost a child, but now I can answer, keep my mind on Jesus. Even when I felt my lowest, He was holding me and kept me from losing my mind. He kept me strong and I kept the faith. The enemy would try to attack me, but I kept fighting him with my faith in God. I know that He will bless us double for what we've lost. Just like He did for Job. With everything that Job went through, he did not turn away from God. Naked I came out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return; Lord has given, and Lord has taken away; blessed be the Lord.
Our little Laila Rose is now resting peacefully with her Father in Heaven. She is wanting for nothing and is probably playing soccer, as she was practicing while she was in my belly. She comes to visit her mama regularly and brings so much joy to my heart. I tell her whenever Mommy and Daddy have more children, she could come down and play with them as much as her heart desires, but they are not allowed to go back with her...unless her Father says so. Thy Will Be Done...only the beginning.
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